And not a good one. I know I said it'd be a while before you heard from me, but a lot has happened.

As I think I've already written I didn't do very well in an essay. But things got worse on Wednesday, although I didn't find out until Friday. I was stolen from. I don't know how much I should write here as I think the police are getting involved. Deep breath. It's hard because I'm not okay. I think everyone who knows thinks I should just bounce back, because it's sorted now. But it's not okay. And I'm not okay.
Someone stole money from me online, from my bank account. Someone put a virus on my computer, and used that to transfer me to an unsecure site that looked just like the normal website, and got me to put in data the bank doesn't normally ask for. Which I should have known, so I've learnt a big lesson there. They did this on Wednesday but I didn't realise as I don't check my bank account everyday. I check it every couple of days, once a week at minimum if I haven't been spending much money. Anyway, this person had been watching what I was doing online since December, probably watching everything that I was doing. Probably watching me write this blog. Probably knows an awful lot about me and I know nothing, nothing about them. They stole a lot of money from me, I'm not talking 50 pounds or a couple of hundreds. Much more. They'd been adding payees to my bank account since December.

I've got the money bank now, because luckily as soon as I realised I called my parents to inform them, and then I called fraud. I failed the tests though to verify that it was me, because they asked me a lot of questions, like the last time I withdrew cash, which I couldn't remember. So I went into the branch and they confirmed it was me, and I then spoke to fraud who basically blamed me, and told me a colleague would be calling me later about a potential refund. This Irish guy called who was lovely and told me I was getting my money back, although they could ask for it back if they found I had lied about anything I said.

So I updated my virus guard switching from McAfee to Norton as McAfee obviously missed this and my Mum read reviews that it wasn't good. I ran anti-malware software on my laptop several times and it picked up on quite a few things. I also downloaded rapport which both my banks use, and that helps to stop this kind of thing happening.

I just want to know who did it, why they did it. Why me? How did they find my laptop? Why did they wait until now? I have two bank accounts and they stole from one. The other bank account has had money in it, a fair amount of money for 6 months, but they waited until January for some money to come in. Yet the account they stole from does have an overdraft so they could have maxed that out. I don't understand why they did it, and why they did it this week. I want to know if they're going to prison, how long they're going to get. I want to know how much they know about me, could someone steal my identity? They know my name, they know my bank account, sort code etc. What if they still have these details? And what can they do with them? I'm scared... It's not going to go away for a long time. If ever. I just don't feel safe. No-one seems to appreciate this.

I want Md here right now, and I knew this was coming. I could feel it. And I hate it, I'm trying to resist it. But I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm hurting and I want him. I just want to hear him say that I'll be okay, and give me a hug. It'd be good for about 10 minutes then I'd remember how much he's hurt me, and he could say he's sorry and I'd forgive him for a few minutes. But I can't ever forget. As Nc said when she was here, as I've said before, no matter how beautiful and good and happy he could make me in the future it doesn't change the past.
I want him here because when things go wrong I want him here. But when I'm happy, I don't. That's progress.
Maybe as Cs said it's convenience, maybe as my Mum said he hasn't made a connection with these girls. But I don't care. I was willing to give up and sacrifice everything for this guy, and he couldn't do the same thing. Maybe it wasn't love on my part, maybe it was stupidity. But it's certainly not love on his part. It's okay if he doesn't love me anymore. I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm always going to love him, he was my first love, can't change the history for the world and I wouldn't want to. But I want to let him go. I'm doing okay, I'm getting there. I didn't call him on Friday. It's Sunday now, so I've done well. I've had my little cry, I've had my little missing moment, so I'm going to get back to health psychology now.

The title is from Nickelback's song Photograph. This song makes me think of Md, who is partially the inspiration for this blog.

On the 7th of January 2012 I turned 21. I spent most of the 6th crying because I missed Md, and I wanted him there. I was going out with work colleagues that night to celebrate my birthday. I didn't want to go, I'd have much rather stayed in bed all night with Md, making love. He should have been there, that's what I thought.
But he wasn't. So I went out and had a wicked night with my work colleagues, and I met someone. I can't get ahead of myself as he's in Maidstone, and I'm here, and I can't afford the distractions but he's a welcome distraction sometimes :). I will call him Jh. He has a tattoo which says 'Holland' and some tribal imagery, as funnily enough he was born in Holland (what is it with me and Dutchies?!) and his surname is also Holland. He's gorgeous, and such a good kisser. It was sexy and sweet. He looks like a bit of a bad boy but I think he's a bit of a sweetie. He took my number and my name and gave me his. I was going to look him up on Facebook but I didn't really believe that his surname was Holland so didn't think I'd ever see him again. But he found me, and we've been messaging since Sunday, and he's instigating everything. It's nice. Really nice :). Even if it doesn't go anywhere, it's making me happy, I'm happy. He's a distraction from Md, but it's more than that. I think the impossible is finally happening.

I didn't even think about Jh on my birthday, which is a good thing as I didn't have any expectations. I still don't. But I didn't really think about Md either. I missed him a little, but I didn't actually want him there, which I expected to. I expected to have this massive void in my heart. I was so busy though I barely had a chance to. For my 21st birthday I got a beautiful pendant from Swarovski, it's a purple heart with wings. In the photo it looks black, but it's a dark purple. It's called a peace pendant I think. I also got a watch called Charmed by Accurist, which I love. I bought a new dress for my birthday using money my Grandparents gave me.






I drove back to Keele on Sunday and I had plenty of time to think. I had my favourite songs playing and I realised I don't want Md back. He didn't contact me on my birthday. Not that a part of me expected him to, because I told him not to. But I wanted him to. It would have shown that he still cared. I guess it does show he respects my wishes, but it's not enough. You only get one 21st, and he should have contacted me anyway. But I'm glad now that he didnt.
I don't want him back. Not now, probably not ever. I will always love him, I will always miss him, but that ship has sailed. We're not getting back together. Too much has happened. Maybe if we'd stopped talking these past two and a half years then maybe we could try again when I've graduated but we kept trying. We kept trying and we kept failing. Because it's not right, because we're not meant to be. We've changed too much, and instead of trying to fight it we should embrace it, we should accept it. Over five years ago, we met and we fell in love, and those two and a half years were beautiful. I have forgiven him for all the pain and the hurt back then, and I hope that he has or will do the same for me. But the pain from the two and a half years that has followed that, I haven't forgiven yet. It hurt and it still hurts, because I kept letting him hurt me. And I drew a line the last time I e-mailed him and that line stays drawn. It's done. It's so done. It's so over between us. I can't be friends, and I don't want to be friends. I don't trust him, and I never will again. He broke my heart, and he and I damaged us, and any future possibility of us. But that's okay because I don't think trying again would work. We're not the same people we were back then but I think we'd be expecting one another to be. I don't look the same, my thighs are much bigger, and I look older etc. Other things as well, like personality are so different, and our life experiences. Unexpected or expected, have changed us. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worst, I don't know.
It is what it is. I'm moving on. I'm kind of sad about it to be honest, I'm not crying, there's no need, I just listen to Photograph and think about all the silly memories, like when I lived in Eijsden and he used to come pick me up, making love in his bed or mine, cooking dinner together, making his sandwiches and eating together, walking the dogs etc. It was good, it was beautiful, it was my first love. He will always be my first love, and to quote Mariah Carey "Nobody can take your place." And I wouldn't want them to. "You're with me until the bitter end" - Never Too Far - Mariah Carey. I will never forget Md, but one day I will "be brave enough to love again" - NTF - MC.

A place in time still belongs to us
Stays reserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace
Never too far away
I won't let time erase one bit of yesterday
Because I have learnt
That nobody can take your place
And though we can never be
I'll think of you and me
Always remember
Love
You're never too far

For the first time it's okay, it's okay that we're not together. I hope he's happy. I do find it hard knowing how many girlfriends he's had since me, so maybe it's good that I don't know anymore. As my Mum said it doesn't mean he's found a connection with them, but I hope that for his sake he does find a connection with one of them. One day though, I will forgive him for the second round of pain and hurt. I have to because it's the only way that I will truly move on. I did really love him though, I really did. I miss him. He was my boyfriend, my best friend and my lover, and there was and is only one Md. My first love. My only love so far. It's a lot to lose, and it's a lot to get over, and maybe I've been pushing myself. Maybe time is the answer. I'll never forget him, I won't allow myself to :). I'll remember him dearly, and fondly as the one that got away ;).