Wednesday, 25 January 2012

  • I told you to wake me up when the hand reaches the six

    It has been a while Xanga, and my life has slowly gotten back to normal.

    I have my debit cards again, and I have access to online banking, so all is well on that score. 11.6

    My exams are finished, but I don't think they went as well as I would have liked. I spoke to my History dissertation supervisor who said that no-one in the class failed their exams, but that my exam followed a similar pattern to my essay, which means that the mark wasn't that great. I'm just praying it's a 2:2 and not a third. Whatever it is though, I will just have to take and move on, and aim to do much much much better this semester. I got 58% for my dissertation outline which is a high 2:2, I'd be perfectly happy with that if I got the same mark for my History dissertation but I am hopeful that I can do better. I need to get a 2:1 so I would take 60% or 62% in it, that's the aim anyway :). To get that I'd need to get 64% on the actual dissertation and then the two marks combined would give me just over 62%.

    I got my first First in my degree subjects on Monday. I got 72% in my Health Psychology essay. I cried from happiness. It's basically been the decider in the Masters I am going to apply for. I just hope that the exam went okay so I can get a 2:1 overall in that. I'd love a First but I'd have needed to get a 2:1 on the exam to get that. We'll see in a couple of weeks time.

    I need to work so much harder this Semester and that starts today. I have so much else to say as well, I need to update you about my crazy weekend, but I don't have the time as I have German at 1. So it'll have to wait until this evening :).

Sunday, 15 January 2012

  • Well, it's been a hell of a week

    And not a good one. I know I said it'd be a while before you heard from me, but a lot has happened.

    As I think I've already written I didn't do very well in an essay. But things got worse on Wednesday, although I didn't find out until Friday. I was stolen from. I don't know how much I should write here as I think the police are getting involved. Deep breath. It's hard because I'm not okay. I think everyone who knows thinks I should just bounce back, because it's sorted now. But it's not okay. And I'm not okay.
    Someone stole money from me online, from my bank account. Someone put a virus on my computer, and used that to transfer me to an unsecure site that looked just like the normal website, and got me to put in data the bank doesn't normally ask for. Which I should have known, so I've learnt a big lesson there. They did this on Wednesday but I didn't realise as I don't check my bank account everyday. I check it every couple of days, once a week at minimum if I haven't been spending much money. Anyway, this person had been watching what I was doing online since December, probably watching everything that I was doing. Probably watching me write this blog. Probably knows an awful lot about me and I know nothing, nothing about them. They stole a lot of money from me, I'm not talking 50 pounds or a couple of hundreds. Much more. They'd been adding payees to my bank account since December.

    I've got the money bank now, because luckily as soon as I realised I called my parents to inform them, and then I called fraud. I failed the tests though to verify that it was me, because they asked me a lot of questions, like the last time I withdrew cash, which I couldn't remember. So I went into the branch and they confirmed it was me, and I then spoke to fraud who basically blamed me, and told me a colleague would be calling me later about a potential refund. This Irish guy called who was lovely and told me I was getting my money back, although they could ask for it back if they found I had lied about anything I said.

    So I updated my virus guard switching from McAfee to Norton as McAfee obviously missed this and my Mum read reviews that it wasn't good. I ran anti-malware software on my laptop several times and it picked up on quite a few things. I also downloaded rapport which both my banks use, and that helps to stop this kind of thing happening.

    I just want to know who did it, why they did it. Why me? How did they find my laptop? Why did they wait until now? I have two bank accounts and they stole from one. The other bank account has had money in it, a fair amount of money for 6 months, but they waited until January for some money to come in. Yet the account they stole from does have an overdraft so they could have maxed that out. I don't understand why they did it, and why they did it this week. I want to know if they're going to prison, how long they're going to get. I want to know how much they know about me, could someone steal my identity? They know my name, they know my bank account, sort code etc. What if they still have these details? And what can they do with them? I'm scared... It's not going to go away for a long time. If ever. I just don't feel safe. No-one seems to appreciate this.

    I want Md here right now, and I knew this was coming. I could feel it. And I hate it, I'm trying to resist it. But I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm hurting and I want him. I just want to hear him say that I'll be okay, and give me a hug. It'd be good for about 10 minutes then I'd remember how much he's hurt me, and he could say he's sorry and I'd forgive him for a few minutes. But I can't ever forget. As Nc said when she was here, as I've said before, no matter how beautiful and good and happy he could make me in the future it doesn't change the past.
    I want him here because when things go wrong I want him here. But when I'm happy, I don't. That's progress.
    Maybe as Cs said it's convenience, maybe as my Mum said he hasn't made a connection with these girls. But I don't care. I was willing to give up and sacrifice everything for this guy, and he couldn't do the same thing. Maybe it wasn't love on my part, maybe it was stupidity. But it's certainly not love on his part. It's okay if he doesn't love me anymore. I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm always going to love him, he was my first love, can't change the history for the world and I wouldn't want to. But I want to let him go. I'm doing okay, I'm getting there. I didn't call him on Friday. It's Sunday now, so I've done well. I've had my little cry, I've had my little missing moment, so I'm going to get back to health psychology now.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

  • In other news....

    Uni isn't going as well as I had hoped.
    Got an essay back and the mark was poor. It was still well above a pass, but it's not good enough and it's made my job hard as it's worth 60% of the module, and the exam is worth 40%, plus I'm rubbish at exams.
    So I need to get my head down for the next week and a bit. I'm having a serious think about my future as well. Life is just crazy at the moment, so this will be my last blog post for a while. I've got another 5 months of hard work, I have to work even harder than before, harder than either, and then I can have a rest :). I feel physically exhausted right now as it is, just thinking about it.
    I've gotten one exam out of the way though. It was hard but I know I passed.

    I've booked a hair appointment to have my hair dyed as the red is fading like no-one's business, it will be over four months when I go have it re-done. I'm going to be brunette again by then :(! It's a bit of a shame as I wanted it done for re-freshers but they're just so busy, so it'll be done on Friday the 3rd of February which means it will be done before I celebrate my birthday with my friends here, so that's good :). I can't bloody wait! I'm so much happier as a redhead than as a brunette. Even if that is a strange concept.

  • It's hard to say it, time to say it, goodbye goodbye

    The title is from Nickelback's song Photograph. This song makes me think of Md, who is partially the inspiration for this blog.

    On the 7th of January 2012 I turned 21. I spent most of the 6th crying because I missed Md, and I wanted him there. I was going out with work colleagues that night to celebrate my birthday. I didn't want to go, I'd have much rather stayed in bed all night with Md, making love. He should have been there, that's what I thought.
    But he wasn't. So I went out and had a wicked night with my work colleagues, and I met someone. I can't get ahead of myself as he's in Maidstone, and I'm here, and I can't afford the distractions but he's a welcome distraction sometimes :). I will call him Jh. He has a tattoo which says 'Holland' and some tribal imagery, as funnily enough he was born in Holland (what is it with me and Dutchies?!) and his surname is also Holland. He's gorgeous, and such a good kisser. It was sexy and sweet. He looks like a bit of a bad boy but I think he's a bit of a sweetie. He took my number and my name and gave me his. I was going to look him up on Facebook but I didn't really believe that his surname was Holland so didn't think I'd ever see him again. But he found me, and we've been messaging since Sunday, and he's instigating everything. It's nice. Really nice :). Even if it doesn't go anywhere, it's making me happy, I'm happy. He's a distraction from Md, but it's more than that. I think the impossible is finally happening.

    I didn't even think about Jh on my birthday, which is a good thing as I didn't have any expectations. I still don't. But I didn't really think about Md either. I missed him a little, but I didn't actually want him there, which I expected to. I expected to have this massive void in my heart. I was so busy though I barely had a chance to. For my 21st birthday I got a beautiful pendant from Swarovski, it's a purple heart with wings. In the photo it looks black, but it's a dark purple. It's called a peace pendant I think. I also got a watch called Charmed by Accurist, which I love. I bought a new dress for my birthday using money my Grandparents gave me.






    I drove back to Keele on Sunday and I had plenty of time to think. I had my favourite songs playing and I realised I don't want Md back. He didn't contact me on my birthday. Not that a part of me expected him to, because I told him not to. But I wanted him to. It would have shown that he still cared. I guess it does show he respects my wishes, but it's not enough. You only get one 21st, and he should have contacted me anyway. But I'm glad now that he didnt.
    I don't want him back. Not now, probably not ever. I will always love him, I will always miss him, but that ship has sailed. We're not getting back together. Too much has happened. Maybe if we'd stopped talking these past two and a half years then maybe we could try again when I've graduated but we kept trying. We kept trying and we kept failing. Because it's not right, because we're not meant to be. We've changed too much, and instead of trying to fight it we should embrace it, we should accept it. Over five years ago, we met and we fell in love, and those two and a half years were beautiful. I have forgiven him for all the pain and the hurt back then, and I hope that he has or will do the same for me. But the pain from the two and a half years that has followed that, I haven't forgiven yet. It hurt and it still hurts, because I kept letting him hurt me. And I drew a line the last time I e-mailed him and that line stays drawn. It's done. It's so done. It's so over between us. I can't be friends, and I don't want to be friends. I don't trust him, and I never will again. He broke my heart, and he and I damaged us, and any future possibility of us. But that's okay because I don't think trying again would work. We're not the same people we were back then but I think we'd be expecting one another to be. I don't look the same, my thighs are much bigger, and I look older etc. Other things as well, like personality are so different, and our life experiences. Unexpected or expected, have changed us. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worst, I don't know.
    It is what it is. I'm moving on. I'm kind of sad about it to be honest, I'm not crying, there's no need, I just listen to Photograph and think about all the silly memories, like when I lived in Eijsden and he used to come pick me up, making love in his bed or mine, cooking dinner together, making his sandwiches and eating together, walking the dogs etc. It was good, it was beautiful, it was my first love. He will always be my first love, and to quote Mariah Carey "Nobody can take your place." And I wouldn't want them to. "You're with me until the bitter end" - Never Too Far - Mariah Carey. I will never forget Md, but one day I will "be brave enough to love again" - NTF - MC.

    A place in time still belongs to us
    Stays reserved in my mind
    In the memories there is solace
    Never too far away
    I won't let time erase one bit of yesterday
    Because I have learnt
    That nobody can take your place
    And though we can never be
    I'll think of you and me
    Always remember
    Love
    You're never too far

    For the first time it's okay, it's okay that we're not together. I hope he's happy. I do find it hard knowing how many girlfriends he's had since me, so maybe it's good that I don't know anymore. As my Mum said it doesn't mean he's found a connection with them, but I hope that for his sake he does find a connection with one of them. One day though, I will forgive him for the second round of pain and hurt. I have to because it's the only way that I will truly move on. I did really love him though, I really did. I miss him. He was my boyfriend, my best friend and my lover, and there was and is only one Md. My first love. My only love so far. It's a lot to lose, and it's a lot to get over, and maybe I've been pushing myself. Maybe time is the answer. I'll never forget him, I won't allow myself to :). I'll remember him dearly, and fondly as the one that got away ;).

Wednesday, 04 January 2012

  • Tweezer happy

    Instead of trigger happy, which I am not. Although I've always had a desire to fire a gun one day. Not that I'm pro-guns or anything. It's probably best not to get into this one.

    I hate my eyebrows. Always have. Naturally they were ridiculously bushy. They're dark dark dark brown, not black, because when I use a black pencil it's too dark. But they look black. I used to have them plucked professionally and I never should have stopped because they are a state now. They're not even. They're too thin at the ends, especially the right one. Two years ago in January I got a little too tweezer happy, and it would have been fine if I'd allowed them to grow back properly. But then I noticed that the hairs were sticking out (which they probably have always done) so I plucked them, and I've been doing that for two years. It looks better than it did, but it's still far from perfect. One eyebrow is closer to the bridge of my nose than the other. I have to draw them in now, which is fine, but I don't really want to do that for the rest of my life. So, I'm going to leave that part of my eyebrow alone for the next month, and see how it looks. And once they've grown back sufficiently I will go and have them plucked or waxed professionally, so they're in a nice shape again.

    If they were nicely plucked then I would love their eyebrows. Like all my features (baring my eyes), they're strong. They look nice when drawn in, thick and defined.

    I'm still growing my hair as well. It still feels very thin :(. The layers I had cut in almost a year ago are still very short and taking ages to grow out. I wanted my hair to be the length I wanted it by the time I turned 21, and unfortunately that hasn't happened. So I'm hoping that if I have this belated 21st birthday party in the summer that my hair will be the length I want it to be by then. Otherwise I'm seriously considering clip in hair extensions until it's that bit longer. The growing process seems to have slowed. I had it cut last week as well, and at first I liked it, but now it seems short. It's a painful process, like the eyebrows.

    When I get back to University I want to improve my diet again, and hit the gym at least twice a week. I desperately need to tone up my legs, it's about time I do something about them.

    I am still a work in progress, physically, mentally, emotionally. Hopefully working on the outside will help the inside become happier.

angelsandemotions

  • Visit angelsandemotions's Xanga Site
    • Name: angelsandemotions
    • Location: United Kingdom
    • Birthday: 1/7/1991
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/6/2009

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