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Friday, 15 June 2012

I have a 2:1 for my BSc in History and Psychology :D

I know I said I wasn't going to blog here again, but I had to share this.

I got what I needed, wanted and deserved! I was expecting a 2:2, honest to God. I am SO unbelievably proud of myself, it is unreal. And Daddy is proud of me as well, (he wouldn't have been had I got a 2:2). However, he did taint it by saying he is still more proud of Lauren's achievements than mine. That hurts. Lauren is successful in her own right, but so too am I.

The reason why I am most proud is because I have been on my own for the past three years. I have been single the whole time, and spent the first two years missing Maarten terribly. I finished second year on a 2:2 and didn't believe there was much hope of getting a 2:1. I did it though, and I did it without Maarten and the distractions. I underperformed at IGCSE and IB, and I'm not blaming Maarten for that but I allowed myself to be distracted by him. This time, I didn't. And this shows what I can achieve (my potential and beyond) when I focus.

I feel like I've self-actualised which is a concept I like from Humanistic Psychology. I couldn't be happier right now! The pain, and the suffering and the heartache from the past three years has all been worth-while. That much is clear. I came through, and I came through on top.

I achieved it all, and I did it all on my own (with the help of friends and family, of course ;))

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

My life will always be tinged with sadness

Oh yes, another woe is me post.

No. I'm done with woe is me. People die all the time. People leave all the time. People change. People move on. It's life. My Grandmother died eight years ago. I'm still devastated about it. I'll never get over that. But it could have been worse. I had thirteen beautiful years with her. I could have not had that for example. I broke up with my first boyfriend, my first love, after a beautiful two and a half years. And despite everything that has happened three and a half years since I would not change any of it. Including the break up. I grew from it, I learnt from it. I've grown up so so much. I was fifteen when I met him, I'm twenty one now. He was nineteen when we first met, he's twenty five next month. I just wish he'd grown up as much as I had. But we live and we learn, and we move on. As beautiful as it was, I would never and will never go back there. That bridge, those bridges, have been burnt. I loved him, I really did, but I have a bright future, brighter than our relationship ever was. I tried, I really did, I gave my all. I gave too much really. But we live and we learn. And I just wish I'd known when I was eighteen, and felt like I'd lost everything. I wish I'd known when I was in that deep, dark place, that hole I didn't think that I could get out of, that it would get better. That it does get better. That you can get over heartbreak and move on. I'm not saying I'm there yet. I'm no-where near there. Even though it was only a two and a half year relationship the fall-out from the break up has lasted almost three and a half years. So six years in total. You won't get over that in just a day or a week.

You forgive but you don't forget they say. Maybe one day I'll forgive him but I don't know. I don't want to let myself because then I'd be tempted to give him and I another chance. And that's something I won't allow myself to do. He cheated, and he lied, and he broke my heart. He wasn't good for me. He and I are not meant to be. When my mother said that I cried, but I keep telling myself now, and I keep saying it, and I've written it here, and it doesn't hurt anymore. Because it's a fact. Because it's just life. And I don't want him in my life anymore. I want nothing to do with him, nothing from him. I don't want it anymore.

And on that note, this is probably my last blog as angelsandemotions. I know he still reads this, and I don't want him to. He has no right to know anything about my life anymore. He gave up that right when he lied to me, and hurt me.

Listen to your own lyrics Maarten Hans Dreyer or linkolytus as he's known on youtube. "You're all talk, but you're a no show." I came to the Netherlands. Where were you? Why didn't you show up at Keele like you said you would? Why aren't you still single now like you said you would be?

I wasted my time, and my life on you. I wasted six years of my life. I look in the mirror and I laugh when I see myself. I don't want to be in love with you. I don't want to love you. I don't want a relationship with you. If that's what love is then I don't want it. But it's not what love is. Love is better than what you can offer me. I deserve better than you and better than this.

And those questions you asked in your song, "Did I treat you right? Did I give you time? The space you needed". And the answers are no, no and NO.

So, on that note, I'm going to move to my new blog now. A blog where Md doesn't exist. He's a firm part of my past. A beautiful chapter, but one tinged with hate, pain, hurt and suffering. A part of my past I will never forget, but also a part of my past I will never return to. I have a new blog, and a new e-mail address, and as of September I will have a new number, and a new life. Auf wiedersehen Maarten Dreyer.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Babe

The number of guys, who are not my boyfriend, that call me 'babe' appears to be growing. I hate it. I've never had a problem with the term 'babe' before, but it keeps cropping up in texts, and it really annoys me. I don't think I'd mind if it was a boyfriend. I quite like the use of endearments, I use them with my friends, including 'babe'. For some reasons male "friends" calling me babe just grates on me.

The guy I went on a date called me babe. As for the date which I said I'd inform you about, he was about half an hour late. I wasn't really in the mood as I was tired and had to finish packing. Eventually he arrived and we went for a drink and just talked. When we were in his car he wanted me to kiss him and I just wasn't feeling it. He's a very good looking guy, but he's short, around my height, which is 5:6, and he's a body builder. So he looks even more short and squat. Just not my type at all! So we kissed, but he doesn't even kiss properly, so that means a relationship between us would never work out. He wanted to keep on kissing me for half an hour, and when I refused he said 10 minutes. I stayed 2 max, and then left. He then opened his car door to say goodbye and I kept walking. When I was in the block I checked and he still hadn't left! He then text me to say he wanted to carry on kissing me, and I said I couldn't. Finally, after sitting there in his car for about 10 minutes he left! I couldn't believe it. Far far far too keen for my liking. It freaks me out. I liked him, but not that much. He text me before I went to bed saying that he hoped to see me soon. Too much!

Now, he won't stop texting me. I'm so turned off at the idea of a relationship with anyone right now. I wouldn't mind dating, and kissing, but I don't want sex, and I certainly don't want a relationship. I think I'm quite happy by myself, and probably far too used to it by now.

Friday, 08 June 2012

I'm going on a date tonight

I will tell you more tomorrow.....

Monday, 04 June 2012

I never knew love would hurt this fucking bad, worst pain that I ever had

Maybe he’ll read this and realise he’s made a mistake. Or maybe in a few months or years he’ll realise anyway. But by then it’ll be too late, I’m not waiting around anymore. I’m not unsympathetic, I understand that he still has feelings for someone else, but you can’t keep seeing them if you’ve broken up with them. Not unless you don’t want the feelings to die. You’re not going to easily become friends that way. He even said that he and her worked better as friends! He and I can’t work as friends at all. I can’t be “just friends” with him without the possibility of something more. It hurts too much. It makes me keep loving him, and I can’t do that anymore. If it was simply a case of him trying to get over her then that’d be fine, but he’s not even trying because he doesn’t want to. Love, apparently, just isn’t enough. What I feel for him isn’t enough. Once again, I’m just not good enough. I’ve done everything I can, I waited three years, I fought, I’ve given him space, I’ve been “just friends” but I didn’t know he was seeing her, as in seeing her again. He told me they were hanging out, and I thought it was strange, but I didn’t know they were trying again.

I can’t do this to myself anymore. I’m in pain right now, I’m bawling my eyes out. I didn’t see this coming. And once again he doesn’t get to see how hurt I am. He can go round to his lovers house tonight and seek comfort from her. I’ve got no comfort. There’s no comfort in the truth, or this pain.

I’m only angry, and upset, and hurt because I love him, and because he’s hurt me.

At some point you have to draw a line, and I’ve given him a million and one second chances. No more. If he ever tries to come back, he won’t get a very welcoming response.

I never knew love would hurt this fucking bad, worst pain that I’ve ever had – Trey Songz.